Avoid Toxic Positivity

So what the hell exactly is PMA?

PMA stands for Positive Mental Attitude. It was a mindset championed by the self-help author Napoleon Hill, most notably in his book Success Through a Positive Mental Attitude.

Strangely, the term and mindset was later co-opted and championed by the legendary Rastafarian punk band, the Bad Brains in their song “Attitude”. The song howled:

“Don’t care what they may say
We got that attitude
Don’t care what they may do
We got that attitude
Hey, we got that P.M.A.
Hey, we got the P.M.A.”

The Bad Brains’ injection of a PMA mindset into their music and message ran counter to the nihilism typically associated with the punk scene. But their PMA preaching somehow found resonance in a scene that deep down still had a yearning for optimism.

Author, triathlete and singer for the Cro-Mags and Bloodclot, John Joseph, was once a young roadie for the Bad Brains. He internalized their PMA preaching and made the mindset a life long ethos that he has always struggled to maintain. He credits this mindset with helping him overcome all varieties of hard times and failures—from addiction to homelessness to street violence.

Inspired by Napoleon Hill, John Joseph, and other PMA advocates like motivational speaker and singer for the punk band H2O, Toby Morse, I also strive to maintain a PMA ethos as much as possible as a mechanism of strength through failure and hard times. I recently got a PMA tattoo on my leg to constantly remind me to revert back to my PMA when FAILURE RULE #1: Failure Purifies does its work on me.

But keeping your PMA is YOUR job as an individual. It is a PERSONAL struggle and pursuit. Sure, you hope its visible and inspiring to others, but ultimately its yours to nourish and manifest. Because everyone is on their own journey in terms of how they grapple with appropriating access to a positive mental attitude.

The Roman Emperor and stoic philosopher, Marcus Aurelius, warns us, “Be tolerant with others and strict with yourself.”

This means that you need to guard against being toxically positive. PMA is for you to cultivate for you—not for you to force on others or unreasonably expect them to appropriate.

Life is often painfully difficult, confusing, tragic and full of debilitating disappointments and obstacles.

We all have different levels of strength and coping skills both generally and under different specific circumstances and in different unique seasons in our life.

Don’t be arrogant with you PMA. Let it shine, but not obnoxiously in the face of those who are genuinely suffering and wrestling with depression and pain.

Instead, let your PMA naturally and implicitly manifest in your way of Being. This means that you should lead with empathy and compassion, not some litany of PMA-inspired slogans.

If you got that PMA, those around you already know you got it. They may or may not want it themselves, but even if they do, it doesn’t mean they know how to invoke it—or even can—under the weight of certain circumstances.

In the classic Black Sabbath song “Paranoid”, Ozzy Osbourne confesses:

“All day long I think of things
But nothing seems to satisfy
Think I’ll lose my mind
If I don’t find something to pacify
Can you help me
Occupy my brain?
Oh yeah”

Here Ozzy’s describing a common space of inaccessibility to joy that so many suffering from depression grapple with. If you have ever had anyone close to you walking through depression, you know that they usually do not want to feel this way. They typically genuinely want to find a way to feel joy. No optimistic logic bomb or PMA rah rah speech is going to help someone in this space.

Ozzy goes on to further confess:

“Make a joke and I will sigh
And you will laugh and I will cry
Happiness I cannot feel
And love to me is so unreal”

In these lyrics, Ozzy paints a picture of a depressed person’s interaction with someone not living with depression. The interaction shows clearly the chasm that exits between the two states of Being. A joke begets a sigh because a depressed person can’t laugh. A laugh begets sorrow and tears, because a depressed person feels pain in their inability to manifest laughter and joy.

Your PMA, while necessary, can be agitating to those struggling with depression. This doesn’t mean you hide it, as it can still be an uplifting influence on a depressed loved one, but it does mean that you don’t flaunt it and unnecessarily express it in their presence—as painful as that might be for you. You need to be respectful of their sensitivity to a PMA that they may deeply want but are painfully unable to access. Now, I don’t tell you this because I’m amazing at holding back my PMA. This is something that I struggle greatly to balance.

I struggle to do this because I know that it is fully possible, and often necessary, to keep your PMA firmly intact and secure while also flexing and demonstrating emotional diversity. This is how you cultivate relationships with those in different emotional states than you. Author of The Subtle Art of Not Giving A Fuck, Mark Manson, explains it this way:

“Turns out people who experience a variety of both positive & negative emotions are better off (both in mental & physical health) than people who only experience positive emotions, or only experience negative emotions.”

Keeping your PMA doesn’t mean you don’t experience, learn from, and even appreciate negative emotions in yourself or others. It just means that you decide to ultimately act on a foundation of PMA when all your emotions have been felt, vetted, and digested.

So, remember to never by obnoxious with your PMA around those struggling with depression, failure, and crippling hard times. Never be judgmental of those who are not able to access PMA. Lead with empathy and love and be strict with your own PMA maintenance and tolerant with others. Because accessing PMA is difficult and sometimes not possible when you’re truly mired in deep depression, oppression, self-doubt, or malaise.

Keep your PMA but let empathy and compassion lead.

Avoid toxic positivity.